Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize