# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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