think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I see more hoeing in ur future
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