DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
