So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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