You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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