Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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