Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
