he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
