I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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