You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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