We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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