i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
