I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
