I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
