Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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