good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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