before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
