i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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