I think I died a long time ago.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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