do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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