just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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