I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
