I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
