we made out on top of his cat.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
