When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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