Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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