Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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