I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
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I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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