Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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