Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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