we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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