I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
3pm strippers are depressing
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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