i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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