i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
