She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
