We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
