I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
