he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
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it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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