I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
