Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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