saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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