Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
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Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
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Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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