i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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