i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
