a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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