I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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