just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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