I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
