I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
