The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
