That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
