Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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