She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
