you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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