i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
